my first day
of school was superb.
I am officially platinum blonde, also, no one there completely sucks--to my knowledge--yet.
Waking up at 730 does have it's pitfalls, including but not limited to:
- Coffee to stay awake
- Driving in 9oclock traffic
- Being ready for bed at 10pm.
Stay tuned for a revised and reluctantly revisited description of above said pitfalls.
Goodnight.
IOU
Being cut-down in person is one thing.
Being cut-down in a mean way by an idiot is another.
But being ripped to shreds online cleverly in a well-spoken, collected and eloquent manner is just completely consuming.
I start school tomorrow at 9am and here I am still up and brooding over my ex's harsh and ill-conceived words.
What did I do to deserve that?
Quite honestly, I slept with the man..boy..three days before going to a function at his place-to which I was invited- only to be publicly metaphorically spit all over and humiliated in that sense.
I mean, I know it can't work between us,
and I admit it was foolish of me to still be involved in any sort of physical/emotional way with him,
but I guess I'm not very good at walking away sometimes... most times....
And he treats me like I'm this imbecile.
Laughing and looking around while I poured my heart out.
I hate this shit. And by this shit I do mean the aforementioned asshole.
See, it's okay for
ME to say these things because
I'm the one being walked all over.
It's all I can do not to get in my car right now,
drive the ridiculous 11 hours it takes to get back to Oklahoma City,
and break his stupid nose.
But I guess the only things that fix this are time and restraint.
So I'll practice that by just trying my damnedest to leave well-enough alone.
Oh me. Oh my.
I've lost sight of what it is to really write without worrying about what others will think when they read it. I had been posting my blogs on myspace for a year or so, but I think to get back to the raw emotion, I need to be back on blogger.
It's good to be back! On that note,
I start school on Thursday, and I could not be more excited. Not necessarily to learn, but to finish so that I can get the hell out of Hoover, Alabama and back to my home in Oklahoma.
Speaking of home, it's funny how the definition of that changes with time.
Even the places I had come to be so passionate about somehow now pale in the light of others.
I am also dealing with the fact that I am no good with relationships.
Okay with friendships, not so good with romanticism.
Here's the pattern:- I mess up [i.e. cheating, being hateful, etc.]
- They leave me once I have developed genuine feelings for them
- Then six or so months of stringing along and back and forths.
It's incredibly disheartening, really.
I find myself in a very difficult position right now because even though I have been here in Alabama with my family for nearly 6 months, I don't feel that I've made any progress in the way I treat people, the mistakes I've made, or the way I feel about myself.
And now that I'm twenty one, I've really been hitting the bars hard lately.
I just seem to make a fool of myself every single time I drink.
It's funny, I was reading some old posts on here from years ago when someone called me an alcoholic or something of the sort....and at the time I wasn't.
It angers me to think of how far I've fallen in that aspect.
I suppose I'll have a cigarette. Gaze into the infinite abyss of loneliness and foliage.
