fucking liar
I try not to get so upset,
but god damn it I was right.
You lied and lied and lied.
And you know what? YOU USE PEOPLE.
You just couldn't wait to jump into that girl's pants
with her fake tits and bmw she earned stripping nonetheless.
I hope you fucking choke. I really do.
just watched the notebook
I miss my boy.
You knew I would go to him, didn't you?
You said I would.
I wonder why.
Perhaps you think me materialistic.
Or maybe you saw something between he and I that I didn't see yet.
I remember the last time we all three were in a room together.
It was late. After work. At his house. I was drunk.
I thought I played it so cool.
When you and I left to go home, you told me that you felt like the odd man out.
That you could cut the tension with a knife.
That it was clear that he and I were going to be together.
For all your faults, you sure are a perceptive bastard aren't you?
And really, the fact that you didn't leave me for it was an obvious sign that you never loved me.
And quite possibly, I was a little blinded by certain vices and I did not love you either.
In all seriousness, I hope that you get off the shit and do what it is that you're supposed to do.
Of all the boys and men I've dated, you are the closest to that goal you all shared.
The music.
I think you should put the junk away, be alone for a while and g e t otarav e r h e r ."A woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else."
say: "I love you so much you must kill me now...."
So...quite a few things have changed in the past six measly months.
I am back in Alabama which is more boring and pain-staking that you can imagine.
At least it is summer and the sun is shining.
I picked up a few new vices back in the good ole OKC...
Nothing I'm too proud of but basically, a sharp, skin penetrating little habit and [of course] the newest addition to the dense, vapid collection of now shitty "I'm gonna be a rockstar" boyfriends.
Good things about Birmingham [trying to be positive this time...]
- Beautiful scenery
- Cable!
- Clean living environment
- Money
- Going back to school to get a "real job"
- Being close to my familia
Sure, there are a few minor pitfalls, mostly I miss my friends, but the ones that are really friends will surely come visit [as will I] so the time should hopefully fly.
I wrote some things while I was with boyfriend No. 347 that I'd like to share.
We'll call him "Darrell the Dope Fiend" :)
[just for fun, of course, not to imply by any means that he is addicted to....oh, I don't know, a well known form of opiate commonly injected directly into the vein...]At any rate.....let's continue:You've taken away my security.I'm no longer safe in front of a mirror.Emily. Tara. Stephanie. Audrey. Whitney.See a pattern anywhere?Deception isn't brutal, the truth is.Lies aren't spun in webs,but in cell phones and bed sheets.You're my car crash, my train wreck[and I can't stop looking...]I stay out all night because I cannot stand to look at you,knowing about your secret life and how I long to beas important to you as ____________.*[*Whomever this week's "thrill" happens to be.]I smoke myself to sleepbecause I've grown cynical of my own tears because well, let's face it,I put myself through this.....Selling my soul [AT COST!]for a warm body to lie next to.You seem to find common ground in everyone but me,So then, I ask:WHY DO YOU STAY?Is it merely some faux sense of obligation toward messy-ole-me?Is it the car?A similar longing to mine, a warm, comfortable bed-fellow?Whatever the case,it is rapidly more and more becoming "shit or get off the pot" time.Except "shit" means "leave the man you adore"which, as a matter of fact,is remarkably more difficult that passing a bowel movement,leading me to believe that the whack-job that the aforementioned phraseis accredited to had clearly never been in love.That's about the jist of what I've gone thru the past 6 months.
Shameful, I know.
Alas, one must hold one's head high,
accept the trials dealt to her,
and walk on feeling empowered and further educated on the lessons of love.
my first day
of school was superb.
I am officially platinum blonde, also, no one there completely sucks--to my knowledge--yet.
Waking up at 730 does have it's pitfalls, including but not limited to:
- Coffee to stay awake
- Driving in 9oclock traffic
- Being ready for bed at 10pm.
Stay tuned for a revised and reluctantly revisited description of above said pitfalls.
Goodnight.
IOU
Being cut-down in person is one thing.
Being cut-down in a mean way by an idiot is another.
But being ripped to shreds online cleverly in a well-spoken, collected and eloquent manner is just completely consuming.
I start school tomorrow at 9am and here I am still up and brooding over my ex's harsh and ill-conceived words.
What did I do to deserve that?
Quite honestly, I slept with the man..boy..three days before going to a function at his place-to which I was invited- only to be publicly metaphorically spit all over and humiliated in that sense.
I mean, I know it can't work between us,
and I admit it was foolish of me to still be involved in any sort of physical/emotional way with him,
but I guess I'm not very good at walking away sometimes... most times....
And he treats me like I'm this imbecile.
Laughing and looking around while I poured my heart out.
I hate this shit. And by this shit I do mean the aforementioned asshole.
See, it's okay for
ME to say these things because
I'm the one being walked all over.
It's all I can do not to get in my car right now,
drive the ridiculous 11 hours it takes to get back to Oklahoma City,
and break his stupid nose.
But I guess the only things that fix this are time and restraint.
So I'll practice that by just trying my damnedest to leave well-enough alone.
Oh me. Oh my.
I've lost sight of what it is to really write without worrying about what others will think when they read it. I had been posting my blogs on myspace for a year or so, but I think to get back to the raw emotion, I need to be back on blogger.
It's good to be back! On that note,
I start school on Thursday, and I could not be more excited. Not necessarily to learn, but to finish so that I can get the hell out of Hoover, Alabama and back to my home in Oklahoma.
Speaking of home, it's funny how the definition of that changes with time.
Even the places I had come to be so passionate about somehow now pale in the light of others.
I am also dealing with the fact that I am no good with relationships.
Okay with friendships, not so good with romanticism.
Here's the pattern:- I mess up [i.e. cheating, being hateful, etc.]
- They leave me once I have developed genuine feelings for them
- Then six or so months of stringing along and back and forths.
It's incredibly disheartening, really.
I find myself in a very difficult position right now because even though I have been here in Alabama with my family for nearly 6 months, I don't feel that I've made any progress in the way I treat people, the mistakes I've made, or the way I feel about myself.
And now that I'm twenty one, I've really been hitting the bars hard lately.
I just seem to make a fool of myself every single time I drink.
It's funny, I was reading some old posts on here from years ago when someone called me an alcoholic or something of the sort....and at the time I wasn't.
It angers me to think of how far I've fallen in that aspect.
I suppose I'll have a cigarette. Gaze into the infinite abyss of loneliness and foliage.
God bless the Indian Summer...
Finally, a phone call.
And again, I'm dead to the world.
A promise is made that I know you won't keep.
But I wonder anyway.
And I'll linger everyday,
hanging myself by the telephone cord
as I wait for a kiss in the rain or another mistake.
Why is this still happening?
I can't get over this.
i can't leave this behind it's been almost a year or maybe even a year since and I can't handle not having you.
I still get jealous I still can't sleep this iscrazy.
